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“The Derek Tape” Is Non-Stop Preposterousness


“The Derek Tape”, as it’s called by those who found and circulated it, is a cassette tape that has an epic 25 minute phone conversation between a record store employee named Derek and his buddy who goes into great detail about how one of his lifelong childhood friends and heroin addict owes him $20 and how he’s going to kill him over said Andrew Jackson. The exchange goes way off-track as Derek’s buddy babbles about Satan, heavy metal, and Cthulhu, the winged, tentacle-faced creature that Eric Cartman befriended in South Park.

As Derek’s buddy puts it, “This is the insane.”

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1992 Seattle was probably right around the time Grunge took off. I don’t know because I was 11 or 12 years old and I wasn’t really that into music; I just ate what the radio and my friends told me to. I knew Nirvana. I knew Smells Like Teen Spirit made me want to do stuff with my body. I knew Ken Griffey Jr was everything I ever wanted to be. It’s walnuts to think that a phone conversation between two friends would not only make the rounds back then via cassette tape, but that it would still be as epic and ridiculous today, some 22 years later. TWENTY. TWO. YEARS. LATER. That’s a legally-allowed-to-drink-liquor adult plus 1. That’s a person just about to graduate college and learn a lot of lessons.

Not to get all Debs on you guys, but isn’t it kind of depressing that we don’t record phone convos anymore? I understand it’s a complete invasion of privacy and that seems to be the most brutal violation of rights online at the moment, but damn, I grew up on The Jerky Boys and Crank Yankers. I’m not saying it has to be a prank, but I AM saying don’t be surprised if my next phone call with you ends up online and animated. It’ll be worth it, trust me. We’ll split the riches 90/10.

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