I Taught Amy Schumer What a “Chicken Parm” Is

This past Monday (March 9th), I received an email from the New Talent booker at Gotham Comedy Club letting me know that Amy Schumer would be doing an hour set that night. If you don’t know Amy Schumer, here ya go:

I first found out about Amy when I interviewed her and Mark Hoppus for a new show (at the time, 2010) on Fuse called, “A Different Spin With Mark Hoppus“, which later changed to “Hoppus on Music”. I was maybe a week on the job as Managing Editor at COED.com. The interview was at a fancy place in SoHo. All questions were directed at Mark and I remember looking over at Amy and seeing her be like, “Uh, hey, I’m here, too” with her face, but trying her best to be polite and respectful.

The evening came and went with Amy not getting much attention. I would later ask Mark to call my sister because it was her birthday and he did, so I scored major points. But, the next day, I still wanted to give our readers some more info on Amy. So I emailed my contact at Fuse and she connected me with Amy. And we got this interview piece.

So, fast forward to this past Monday, March 9th. I immediately pounced on the tickets, which were only $15, because we had missed her when she did Oddball Fest over the summer. To put things in perspective, me (2 years on the stand-up comedy scene) + a dozen other unproven, unpolished ‘new talent’ comics would be $12. Somehow, we’re only $3 cheaper than Amy, arguably the most popular comedian in the game with a hit show on Comedy Central and “Trainwreck”, a soon-to-be hit in theaters nationwide (and one of the most anticipated films of 2015).

Granted, Amy had to refer to her notes a couple times, but that didn’t disrupt the flow. In fact, the only joke that didn’t flow with the audience was about a woman’s flow. I laughed hard and that’s all that counts. My girlfriend ate it up – Amy’s set, not the flow – and couldn’t believe how uptight our seat neighbors were.

To this day, I’m totally in the dark as to why people come to comedy clubs and actively hold back. I always err on the side of laughing too much than not at all. I went to the “Pizza and Punchlines” open mic at Two Boots in Jersey City and might’ve been the only consistent laugher in the comics-only audience. I get up there and CRICKET CITY, where crickets are state of the art.

Anyway, I didn’t mean to insinuate that Amy didn’t kill. She MURDERED. It was a bloodbath from start to finish, it was all gold. Which brings me to the point of this article… Towards the end of her hourlong set, Amy delved into sex moves. She asked the crowd if we knew any. After a second or so of silence, I chimed in with “CHICKEN PARM!”

Amy prefaced this bit by saying that she’s been labeled a sex comic, meaning that the majority, if not all, of her jokes are about sex. So, in my mind, I’m thinking she’ll know what it is. I was surprised to discover that she hadn’t. AND she wanted me to explain. Great. So, now I get to be THAT guy, when in reality, I’m just one of the guys…

That’s what irks me (yeah, IRKS – what up!) about most dudes. There are guys out there who deny knowledge of urbandictionary.com or are ashamed of knowing the names of sex moves. Guys, we didn’t come up with the names of these sex moves. You’re not a bad person for knowing them. Any woman or significant other who gets pissed at you or disgusted by you for knowing these sex moves is not living in reality. Dump that person immediately.

Do we actually do the sex moves? 90% of us, no. Guys love these sex moves, not because they actually do them, but because of how ridiculous and absurd they are. I think in the history of mankind each sex move was maybe successfully done once. Those who try repeating them are laid to waste.

So, for those who don’t know what a “Chicken Parm” is (no longer Amy Schumer, you’re welcome), just go to UrbanDictionary.com. Would I EVER do this move? No. I would hope no other guy would either. Why would ANYONE do that move? I dunno. All I know is it’s ridiculous. And, as Amy pointed out, “why do most sex moves end with the woman getting hurt? Aren’t there any moves out there where the woman comes out on top?” And a woman in the crowd yelled, “Facial!”