7 Worst People at Work by Silicon Valley’s Thomas Middleditch

GQ Magazine got Silicon Valley’s Thomas Middleditch to give a rundown on the seven worst people at work. I sorta kinda liked Silicon Valley over the first few episodes. I could take it or leave it. I appreciated the and then it grew on me. I think it really took off with the jerk off math scene at the end of Season 1.

On the show, Middleditch plays the lead developer. For me, it’s sort of a departure from the stuff I’m used to seeing him in. My first exposure to him was in CollegeHumor’s Jake & Amir series as “Doobs”…

Then as the guy from Season 1 of “The Morning After” series from Above Average

1. Guy Who Said Hi First

I’ve never met a guy who’s been that guy who does this specific action, but I know guys that are of the “FIRST!” fabric. What’s your angle, First Guy? Are they handing out medals? Are you gonna be able to fit all that on your tombstone?

2. Guy Who Did Something Inappropriate at Holiday Party Last Year

I am that guy. And I don’t apologize. Unless I’m actually called in to an admin’s office and forced to apologize by threatening my livelihood then yes, I apologize.

3. Guy Who Watches Porn at Work

Did you guys see “Shame”? It starred Michael Fassbender and Carrie Mulligan and it was about a guy who’s addicted to sex. He watches porn at work. I don’t know anyone else who watches porn at work except that banker in the background of a news segment and the Paranoid Rob Lowe in me suspects that was a plant to get more ratings by the network.

4. Guy Who’s Your Boss Only Because He’s Boss’s Nephew

It really amazes me that nepotism still happens. You’d think with all the movies and tv shows and whatnot about the relative who gets the job because he’s a relative and it not panning out at all would eventually sink in to our societal brain matter but nah. I got a job the summer after my freshman year in college at my father’s doctor office. I filed folders, processed insurance claims, and one time I took the blood pressure of a girl I had a crush on in high school. That might’ve been illegal. Anyway, it wasn’t a career. It was a summer job. The only other time I got “hooked up” was as an unpaid intern at my father’s cousin’s husband’s film distributor. 8 months, no leads. If someone had said, hey, stay a full year and you’ll have a job, I woulda done it. Of course, I could’ve asked. God bless my Communications degree…

5. IT Guy Smoking Weed on Fire Escape

I don’t smoke. At least not when I’m sober. You could butt heads with people in your office but if you smoke and your office headbutter smoke then you two can smoke butts together and hash it out. I learned this while at Heavy. I’m pretty sure it’s why I was fired. While my colleague would go have smokes with the Producer, my ears would smoke as I stewed in front of my computer.

6. Guy Who’s Been Working There for 14 Years

I’ve kinda become that guy and I haven’t even been at my current job for 3 years yet. Happens with almost every job. I have ideas that I’d like to see get pushed through and I send ’em out to whomever is in charge and they quickly extinguish that flame. Rinse and repeat and oi la, you’re that guy. The guy who feels stuck, but doesn’t have the balls or the capital to go out on his own.

7. Boss Who Wants To Seem Hip

In the rare instance that I actually have some kind of authoritarian power over someone else, I come in soft and understanding and empathetic and try to be “cool” and then my … inferiors? … subordinates? … underlings?… fuck up and I correct them and show them how it’s done then they fuck it up again and I remind them then they fuck up again and I’m like you know what fuck this, I’m doing it. Thanks, though. All I can think about is that skit from Kids in the Hall. He’s Hip. He’s Cool. He’s 45!

Here’s my full length stand-up comedy set about office culture, it’s not good enough to win a contest:

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