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Just Found Out That I’m A Bad Guy Because of How I Store Bread


According to this “bread storage alignment chart” on BoingBoing, I’m a Lawful Evil.

Source: Bread storage alignment chart / Boing Boing

Whenever I open up a bag of bread, I somehow always lose the provided plastic… clip? … that came with the bag to keep the plastic bag closed. Always. Without fail. Pretty sure everyone does. Pretty sure my wife does.

What do I do? Well, I don’t want the diabolical poison that’s called “air” to get in the bag and have a mold orgy all over my bread, so what do I do? I tie the bag into a knot. Seal that sucker off. Preserve the bread. Live forever.

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Whenever my wife finds said bread bag with the knot, she legit gets pissed. Her style? She will either twist and tuck or just flat out tuck. Which has my mind running wind-sprints. If she’s a tucker, is it possible that my wife is my husband and I don’t know it? Like she’s tucking her very own bag Buffalo Bill style?

According to this earth-shattering chart, she would be considered chaotic neutral or neutral evil. Which… I dunno. Is she better or worse than me? Chaotic and neutral shouldn’t be two words found next to each other. Neither should neutral and evil.

A big bag clip, I could see. A rubberband, sure. A bottle hack? Okay, MacGuyver. Take your beautiful mind somewhere else. A BREAD BOX? You’re a serial killer. You wear other people’s skin. How is THAT considered lawful good?

ME: Hey, man. You got any bread?

SERIAL KILLER: Yes. In my box. Next to my very own personal walk-in meat locker.

ME: Kewl. Maybe you and I could go in and have some locker talk, just us bros.

My method (tie into a knot) falls under the “Lawful Evil” label, which I didn’t even know was a thing. I had to look it up. Found an explanation on TVTropes.org:

“…characters who are clearly evil, but nevertheless organised, consistent, rule-abiding, and/or maybe even trustworthy and reasonable in their own limited way.”

Friggin’ MEGATRON is the main quote at the top of that page. I’m MEGATRON. There’s a picture of Darth Vader for visual representation. I’m DARTH VADER. And… I’m not hating the comparisons. As far as bad guys go, I’ll take it.

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For the record, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten my way using a law. My rap sheet and subsequent net worth are exhibits A and B, your Honor.

Despite all that, I now know I’m a villain. Consider me Law-Abiding Citizen starring Gerard Butler.

I’m the guy who thought he was good, but didn’t realize he was just a bad dude in denial. I guess next comes anger then bargaining then depression and finally, world domination.

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