A Thorough Examination of My Barstool Idol Audition Video

Neal Lynch auditions for Barstool Sports' Barstool Idol

Neal Lynch auditions for Barstool Sports’ Barstool Idol

I, Neal Lynch, submitted my Barstool Idol audition ‘tape’ to Barstool Sports back on April 17th. You can watch it in all its mediocre glory right after this timecode commentary…

0:00 – My Audition Tape commences with an announcement of my intention to submit my tape. It’s done in the style of an Emergency Press Conference by El Pres.

If I’m being honest, I could’ve brought the motherloving ruckus a tad more. I should’ve. But I didn’t. Truth be told, this was like the 80th take. I was tired. I was hungry. But no excuses, play like a champion. Instead of just improv ranting, I went with scripted fare and because of that, I was way too measured. Methodical as fug. To compensate, I edited out the spaces, the gaps, and the dead air for that truly disturbing Max Headroom effect. Even me referencing Max Headroom is a surefire way to land in the ‘nope’ pile.

So, not the best open. Shinsuke Nakamura’s music set the table and I dropped a big fat steaming coil of caca right on it. All that hype and people swiped left. Should I have made the joke about Chicago Barstool blogger Neil? Prolly not. I thought maybe this video would somehow work its way into Señor Portnoy’s meaty mogul hands and he’d be like, ‘WOW what a move! Nostalgia city! Gotta hire this loyal soldier.’

Instead, I’m guessing a 19-year-old intern who was officially too young to get a 2013 Barstool reference and too cool for wrestling watched like 6 seconds of my shit and chucked it into the sun.

Immediately outing myself as a Giants-Mets fan most likely didn’t work in my favor either. Stool’s already got a Mets-Giants guy in Clem (Justin Clemenza) and he’s on point at all points of time. Dude’s batting a thousand. Not a single misstep in his run so far.

Part of me envisioned a tag team scenario with Clem. Right now, he just has KFC – a Jets-Mets guy – so having a Giants-Mets comrade could get the ball rolling on assembling a full-blown squad to rival the Pats-Sawx regime. Clem loves the Knicks and I love referencing Larry Johnson’s 4-point play and Linsanity. In other words, I’m the pinkest of pink-hat wearing NY/NJ basketball “fans”.

I just can’t consistently enjoy the NBA. As a kid, I’d watch the NBA GAME OF THE WEEK on NBC then go outside and try to re-create highlights. Re-create magic ’til my hands turned black from all the crap on our driveway.

1:43 – Me playing two broadcasters for a Rough n Rowdy Tale of the Tape segment.

I Jon Hamm’d the piss out of this segment. Cheese on cheese on cheese. Didn’t do myself any favors with the hokey broadcaster schtick. Hate to talk about when I was a kid but I used to be funny. Or at least I tried harder to be funny. I’d do voices, come up with characters. I don’t want you to think I phoned or mailed this segment in but it’s not anything we haven’t seen before.

I could’ve really gone bonkers with it like Riff Raff did with his Chuck Borden persona…

2:57 – All your favorite athletes, coaches, and personalities speaking very highly of me in a parody of ESPN Films’ 30 for 30 and other sports documentaries (HBO Sports, Showtime Sports)

Am I too proud to pat myself on the back? No. Should I have used better pics (read: less blurry photos)? Maybe. But isn’t that the charm of Barstool Sports? The low-budge quality is part of the appeal.

Had I more time I’d of converted the VHS copy of my high school football highlights to digital video so I could splice in. You wanna talk “Glory Days”? I must’ve watched that nightmare trainwreck a million times, picking apart every single second juuuuuust in case someone gifted me a time machine.

4:38 – Me pitching content ideas for Barstool in a spoof of Shark Tank called ‘Stool Tank’

Is 100+ content ideas enough? Too much? You tell me. I’ve never been adept at paring down options. I suffer from what’s called “The Paradox of Choice“. If I go to dinner and the menu has more than one page, buckle up and settle in because it’s gonna be a while. I’m not good at killing my babies. Bad for editorial. Good for my impending fatherhood.

Anyway, this segment was inspired by Big Cat pitching biz ideas to Mark Cuban…

So, there you have it. And here you have my audition ‘tape’…

SPOILER ALERT: I wasn’t picked to audition. So, if you could email Barstool Tips (tips@barstoolsports.com),
Keith (kmarko@barstoolsports.com) and Nate (nate@barstoolsports.com) by clicking THIS LINK every day until they hire me, I’ll owe you a favor. If Godfather and Godfather Part II have taught me anything it’s that a favor usually means death but whatever.

And here’s a highlight reel of my off-and-on stand-up comedy career (4 years, ~30-40 sets)…

Praise be.

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