Georgia Southern college football quarterback Shai Werts in between bird poop (LEFT) and cocaine (RIGHT)

Georgia Southern QB Shai Werts had his drug possession charge dropped after it was discovered the cocaine on the hood of his car was actually bird poop.

Werts was pulled over for speeding when the officer noticed a white substance on Shai’s car hood. After using a field test kit, the officer claimed the white stuff turned pink, confirming the presence of coke.

“What’s the white stuff on the front of your hood, man?” the officer can be heard once Werts was put in a police car.

“Bird ****,” he responded.

“That ain’t bird ****,” the officer responded.

“I promise you that is bird doo-doo,” Werts said.

“I promise you that it’s not, because I just tested it and it turned pink,” the officer replied.

“You can see it on the windshield,” Werts said.

The conversation continued in the back of a police car. When the officer suggested quickly that it was cocaine, Werts continued to plead his case.

“I tried to clean it last night at a gas station,” he said. “What is it pink?

Bird poop is white. Cocaine is white. But, the similarities end right about there. The smells are most definitely different and, well, the taste… I don’t recommend it.

Would’ve loved if the officer pulled the ol’ Ace Ventura Pet Detective trick of smelling and taste-testing the evidence to get clues but, of course, he had to be Benny By-The-Book with his in-the-field test kit. A video of Ace doing that (smelling, test-tasting) would be ace but I can only find the scene in other languages. So, here’s him licking a guano bowl.

Guano is bat dung, btw.

Anyway…

I have questions:

1. Who does cocaine off the hood of their car?

A woman who’s about to get railed. Hey-o. But seriously, anyone that brazen about snorting cocaine in public probably is in the heat of the moment, which probably means hot ‘do me right here, right now’ sex. The fact that Werts says there’s more on the windshield makes me think we have a Cameron Diaz in The Counselor situation.

Let’s also not forget the car is a Dodge Charger, which is hot sex in car form. Seriously, I rented one for a work event and it was my like my stickshift locked eyes with Medusa (the alternative definition of petrified). You’re not bending over the hood of a Geo Metro.

2. Who doesn’t clean coke residue off said car hood?

Most likely someone who’s done enough coke to get wrapped up in 1,000 other things and forgets. Like having sex on your car hood and windshield and reliving that magic a million times over in your head but also thinking about where this relationship is going or where you want to eat and would that be considered a date and I don’t want to get involved with this person but this was fun and I kinda want to do it again but I can’t believe I didn’t wear a condom, etc. Or you think you’re invincible, which is a side effect…

3. How hard is it to clean coke off a car hood?

Just… blow. Pun intended. But, really, a wet napkin should do the trick. Bird poop, on the other hand, is one tough S.O.B. to get off when it’s hardened. The conspiracy part of my brain just kicked in and I think ‘well, why is Werts speeding while he has coke on his car hood and windshield?’ Because something bad went down during the hot sex and his mind is racing for escape.

OR he made the ballsy bet that he could get the coke off the car if he went fast enough.

OR he’s got an absentee father trying to get his son’s balls back…

To avoid these sorts of mishaps, Werts needs to get himself a guy like John Goodman in Flight…

via Possession charge against Georgia Southern QB Shai Werts dropped after discovery that bird poop wasn’t cocaine – CBSSports.com