World’s Best Girl Dad Describes Daughter’s Potty Training Accidents

Another clip from the archives — this time I talk about the trials and tribs of potty training my 2-year-old daughter over MLK Weekend of January 2021. She had a cream. Sorry.

It stinks (literally) that I didn’t catch my daughter in the act of:

asking for a diaper when she isn’t wearing one
me asking her if she has to poop
her saying no
her putting on a diaper, finding a hiding spot and dumping in her diaper
emerging from hiding spot reeking of dookie
me asking her if she pooped
her answering ‘no’

Her ability to look me in the eye and flat out deny something so viscerally obvious scares me and makes me think she’ll turn out like her mother. I’m not bitter.

Anyone else think potty training would be hell on Earth? Just piles of soiled undies and pants and Hershey streaks lining the walls like cave paintings? We had a regression, for sure. There was a period when she’d poop in the diaper then she’d request that I escort her to the bathroom where we’d bid farewell in a strangely emotional ceremony then dump the turd from the diaper into the toilet.

I didn’t do too much digging on the reasoning or logic behind such a theatrical ritual, but from the limited amount I’ve read and seen and heard, the child believes the poop is part of them, like a body part, and when the poop disengages from them, it’s like losing a limb? I could be very wrong about that.

The psychology of our relationship to waste is truly fascinating. As kids, we’re at war with our digestive system. As adults, we’re masters of our domain (most of the time). As a kid, I definitely shat my shorts at summer camp during a session of tennis. I pretended I had hemorrhoids (okay?) and sat on the bench in my bowel movement. As a 40-year-old adult, I sharted. While the first act resulted in embarrassment, the second act caused disbelief.

It’s become clear I’m at the point in my life where ‘control’ over my waste is beginning to wane. I’m proud that I was able drive overnight from New Jersey to South Carolina and held in my lemonade for the final 4 hours of the journey, yet I can’t overcome the sudden urge to hit up the john a minute before an important work meeting starts.

I’m also very proud of my daughter for crushing the potty game. She’s not even 4 now, and we ditched diapers completely a couple weeks ago. No diaper at bedtime was risky, but she’s come through big time. Her brain is so well trained, it manages to nudge her awake when nature calls and she has the wherewithal to visit the lou. Is she advancing too quickly? No, Neal, shut up.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give a huge shout-out to her daycare, The Goddard School. They’re really the entire reason why my daughter’s got the potty on lock. Meanwhile, I’m browsing adult diapers.

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ABOUT “GIANT MESS”: “Giant Mess” is a sloppy sports and entertainment talk show about the New York Giants, New York Mets, movies, TV, and more, hosted by a giant mess, Neal Lynch.

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ABOUT NEAL LYNCH: I’m a plump and furry Irish-Italian-American who graduated from a Catholic high school (but isn’t Catholic), and a college known for producing doctors and lacrosse players, then became neither. Instead, I’m a blogger, vlogger, podcaster, writer, editor, video optimizer, content strategist, and failed stand-up comedian. I love the New York Giants and Mets.

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