The New York Giants beat the bejeesus out of the Washington Redskins in Week 14, winning 40-16.

This one didn’t get off to a hot start and the second half felt like a preseason finale as it seemed to drag on forever, but the Giants got themselves their first division win. Of course, that win should’ve come against the Eagles two weeks ago but I don’t want pop the remaining capillaries in my already bloodshot eyeballs.

If we’re all being honest with each other, as soon as I saw that Odell Beckham would be out with a bruised quad (ridiculous), I thought the Giants might slip and face-plant in legendary fashion against the ‘Skins. The first couple of offensive series played into my hunch. All 11 Redskins defenders are keying the piss out of Saquon Barkley, yet Eli Manning and Pat Shurmur stuff the ball down Barkley’s impressive gullet. Looks like we’d be in for a long, frustrating day.

With Odell out, many jumped on the ‘this is the 2017 Giants all over again’ bandwagon. Welp, the ’17 G-Men didn’t have Saquon Barkley. The man is THE man. But he’s more than a man. He’s a mythical magical monster sent from above. I cringe thinking about what our season would look like with fat-headed Sam Darnold (on the bench btw) and Wayne Gallman as our workhorse. No offense to Wayne, he’s an elusive cat, but Barkley is the best back in NFL history. Yes. Not just this year. Any year. All-time. Ever.

Can we talk real quick about OBJ? What the actual fuck, folks. How do you practice all week. Get limited reps on Friday. Have the head coach say he’s DEFINITELY playing and then he’s out. Doesn’t even travel with the team.

Coach said the bruised quad was from when he got leg-whipped on the final play in Philly (a penalty that would’ve resulted in Aldrick Rosas sending us into overtime but whatever).

Then, how come we’re just now hearing about it? How come OBJ played against the Bears and really didn’t look bothered by it at all? Something. Is. Up. Fish City. Stinks to the nosebleeds.

In his absence, Eli spread the ball around:

Evan Engram: 3 catches, 77 yards on 5 targets – it’s been a bittersweet season for Engram. The pitchfork-wielding mobsters wants his head for that huge drop on fourth down against the ‘Skins in the first meeting and for getting hurt in warmups before the second Philly game. But, man, when the guy does catch the ball, he’s picking up large chunks of real estate.

He’s a total mismatch. Can’t really put a LB on him. Can’t really put a SS on him. Can’t really put a CB on him. It’s bananas Shurmur hasn’t found a way to call 88’s number more often. Personally, I’m in love with the angle route; it’s a lock for a fresh set of downs every time.

Corey Coleman: 2 catches, 43 yards – what a ball by Eli deep down the left sideline. Just an absolute rainbow toss right on the moolah. Sucks Coleman couldn’t come down with the other deep shot going the other way but you have to feel like Coleman’s coming into his own.

Why it took a thousand stints with a thousand teams is not really in my wheelhouse but it’s good to see we got him on the cheap. What a steal. If he can continue to provide a deep threat, that’s going to open the floodgates and 40+ points will be the norm.

Sterling Shepard: 2 catches on 6 targets but ran an impeccable route on the touchdown reception.

Not sure what’s going on here. Could be Eli feels most comfortable with Shep and forces the ball when he’s got other options. Could be Shep’s injury is preventing him from being all that he can be (shout-out Army). Whatever it is, I really hope he figures it out for the home stretch because with this new O-Line of Solder, Hernandez, Pulley, Brown, and Wheeler giving Eli a chance, it’s damn near impossible to cover 4-5 legit playmakers.

Russell Shepard: 1 catch on 4 targets, but it’s a score. I feel for Russ. My man really should’ve had two TDs. On Bennie Fowler‘s touchdown (his lone grab of the day), Eli decides he’s gonna show everyone he still has pinpoint precision, squeezing the ball into a football-sized window when Shep2 was all by his lonesome at the back of the end zone.

You might say it’s hard to nitpick Eli for his play when he heaved 3 touchdowns but not for this guy (*points to self, double thumbs blazin’*). 14/22 for 197 yards and 0 interceptions, though the ‘Skins did drop a couple picks (one of which in goal to go). I’m relentless in my criticism of Eli. It’s because I love him and I want to see him do well. He’s definitely playing better and that’s a testament to the most recent offensive line but he still averages 2.5 bad decisions per game and I murder him for it because I hold him in such high regard. His mastery of the cowering crumple to the ground throw is pure art.

How about NFL.com throwing this “For What It’s Worth” insight on their game page:

“Eli Manning has more wins this season (4) than any rookie QB in the NFL so far (Mayfield, Darnold, Allen, Rosen and Jackson each have 3 wins).”

As much as I bag on Eli, Kyle Lauletta did not look great nor did he look remotely good or serviceable or passable. 0/5 with an INT. That kind of outing is enough for Giants brass to select notable Giants fan Dwayne Haskins with their first pick.

Saquon Barkley: 14 carries for 170 yards and 78-yard touchdown that broke the game wide the eff open.

Feast on these hearty tidbits from NFL.com:

“Saquon Barkley has surpassed 100+ scrimmage yards in 12 of his 13 games this season. That is tied for the 2nd-most 100+ scrimmage yard games in a rookie season since 1950.”

“Saquon Barkley now has the most TDs by a rookie in a season in franchise history (13).”

“Saquon Barkley is on pace for 2,074 scrimmage yards, which would make him only the 3rd rookie in NFL history with 2,000+ scrimmage yards (Eric Dickerson, Edgerrin James).”

Last but not least, we can’t forget the defense. I used to bitch and moan about getting turnovers and that unit has been, well, a UNIT when it comes to taking the ball away.

I, along with most of Giants fans, have been hyper-critical of Alec Ogletree and Curtis Riley. Ogletree comes up with a pick and a couple passes defended and Riley gets a pick six.

And how about Olivier Vernon with 1.5 more sacks? Our luck, he’ll put 1.5 sacks over each of the remaining three games and place us squarely on a fence about keeping him for 2019.

Feels like the D didn’t really miss a beat with Landon Collins out. Prob not the best look for Collins in a contract year. It’s undeniable that guy’s great against the run but is a grade-A liability in pass coverage.

And yeah I hear ya. We played a debilitated Redskins team that was without its starting QB, its backup QB, its #1 TE and a bunch of other essential personnel missing. Mark Sanchez was signed like less than a month ago and Josh Johnson hadn’t thrown a pass in a game in half a goddamn decade. But, newsflash, I’ve seen the Giants blow games like this. So, to see them win this handedly was like aloe for my ego.

Even after a win, I’m seething. Had the Giants hung on to beat the Panthers and the Eagles, we’d be sitting at 7-6 with a more realistic shot at first place. Even winning one of those two games would have given us a shot at the playoffs. We’re not technically eliminated yet but we need the ENTIRE NFC to collapse:

#4 seed: Cowboys 7-5 

• vs Eagles (6‑6) Sun Dec 9, 4:25 pm – currently winning as of 5:30p
  @ Colts (7‑6) Away Sun Dec 16, 1:00 pm – maybe Andrew Luck puts on a show
  vs Buccaneers (5‑8) Home Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – Tampa’s as unpredictable as they come
  @ Giants (5‑8) Away Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – hopefully for the crown but prob not

Prediction: I’d love 7-9 but most likely 10-6 and the NFC East title.

#5 seed: Seahawks 7-5 

• vs Vikings (6‑5‑1) Home Mon Dec 10, 8:15 pm – W
• @ Forty-Niners (2‑10) Away Sun Dec 16, 4:05 pm – W
• vs Chiefs (11‑2) Home Sun Dec 23, 8:20 pm – L
• vs Cardinals (3‑9) Home Sun Dec 30, 4:25 pm – W

Prediction: With the Rams killin’ it, Seattle’s got #5 seed on lock. 10-6 or 11-5

#6 seed: Vikings 6-5-1

• @ Seahawks (7‑5) Mon Dec 10, 8:15 pm – L
• vs Dolphins (7‑6) Sun Dec 16, 1:00 pm – possible L?
• @ Lions (4‑8) Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – W
• vs Bears (8‑4) Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – L

Prediction: Would be super sweet to see Minny crash and burn. Miami could shock the world or they could get blown out of the water. 7-8-1 would do the trick for us.

Eagles 6-6

• @ Cowboys (7‑5) Sun Dec 9, 4:25 pm – currently losing as of 5:35pm
• @ Rams (11‑1) Sun Dec 16, 8:20 pm – L
• vs Texans (9‑4) Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – L
• @ Redskins (6‑7) Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – W

Prediction: 7-9

Redskins 6-7

As much as I don’t think it’s worth my or your time to post their remaining schedule, I have to…

• @ Jaguars (4‑9) Sun Dec 16, 1:00 pm – L
• @ Titans (7‑6) Sat Dec 22, 4:30 pm – L
• vs Eagles (6‑6) Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – L

Prediction: I mean, I’ll take an upset special in the regular season finale to get them to 7-9.

Panthers 6-7

Did I call it or did I call it? Losers of 5 straight.

• vs Saints (11‑2) Mon Dec 17, 8:15 pm – L
• vs Falcons (4‑9) Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – W
• @ Saints (11‑2) Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – L

Prediction: My only nightmare is the Saints decide to sit all their starters in the finale and the Panthers coast to 8-8. Odds are the Saints will be battling for homefield advantage so I’m sticking with 7-9.

Packers 5-7-1

• @ Bears (8‑4) Away Sun Dec 16, 1:00 pm – L
• @ Jets (4‑9) Away Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – W
• vs Lions (4‑8) Home Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – W

Prediction: BIG BIG BIG TIME game against Chicago next week. They lose that one and we’re in the clear. Knowing our luck, a now McCarthy-less Rodgers will go HAM on the Bears.

Bucs 5-8

• @ Ravens (7‑6) Away Sun Dec 16, 1:00 pm – L
• @ Cowboys (7‑5) Away Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – L
• vs Falcons (4‑9) Home Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – W or L, who cares

Prediction: All we need is one loss and Baltimore is just what the doctor ordered. 6-10.

Lions 4-8

• @ Cardinals (3‑9) Away Sun Dec 9, 4:25 pm – currently up as of 5:44p
• @ Bills (4‑9) Away Sun Dec 16, 1:00 pm – L (Buffalo at home is no cakewalk)
• vs Vikings (6‑5‑1) Home Sun Dec 23, 1:00 pm – L (might steal this one)
• @ Packers (5‑7‑1) Away Sun Dec 30, 1:00 pm – L

Prediction: Again, we just need one L and if Buffalo don’t get ’em, the Vikes or Pack will.

All hope isn’t lost but damn Daniel, you wonder why it took ’til Week 10 for things to start clicking.