Guy Tries 14 Chicago Hot Dogs in One Day to Decide Which is Best in All of Chi-Town

Bon Appetit Assistant Web Editor Alex Delany tried 14 Chicago-style hot dogs in Chicago over 12 hours to pick the one true wiener. heavy sigh #nailedit

I’ve only been to Chicago a few times, never had a hot dog. There’s a 0.1% chance I got blacked out then got cussed out at Wiener Circle. It’s the only hot dog venue I’m familiar with. QQ – why do people type “QQ” (which is short for quick question) when they can just type the fucking question? Stupid move.

Do you think the ladies at Wieners Circle ever get real sick of being mean all the time? Like, that has to take a toll on your life after a while, right? Is there an off switch? I’d think it’d be tough to roll straight from work to church or a court hearing after 8 straight hours of pure venom.

For anyone who’s totally clueless about what a Chicago-style hot dog is, here’s a quick visual of the ingredients…

chicago hot dogs ingredients recipe

I know. No ketchup. Take a moment to collect yourself.

It’s also nuts that the quality of a dog is judged on the snap of the casing. That would bug me out.

Anyway, here’s a rundown of the places featured in the video along with my takes:

Vienna Beef Duk’s Red Hots

For some reason, their Facebook page says Donald Duk’s Red Hots. And now, I’m thinking about eating Donald Duck. Which is preposterous because the Red Hots belong to Donald Duk, they’re not made of Donald Duk.

No celery salt is a major no-no. I like all things humble, but the humble dog just doesn’t cut it for me.

Publican Quality Meats

Chimichurri sauce, yes. I’d pay $10 for a dog if it made me stutter and sweat.

Fatso’s Last Stand

I do like me a grilled char-dog. He sold me with the ‘I’d eat three at a baseball game’.

Portillo’s

The ‘mass market’ chain always gets the bad rap, but there’s a reason it’s gone mass market. It hits the spot. I normally don’t care about presentation, but if the dog looks like it’s been run over by a dune buggy, count me out. For that, Portillo’s should get points for keepin’ it classy.

Wolfy’s Hot Dogs

The Everyday dog. Nothing special? Just your blue collar 9-to-5 dog that gets the job done? No complaints? Ol’ Reliable’s not tickling my pickle. But, if a woman’s screaming “Wolfy’s rocks” in a drive-by, then yeah, I’ll take a swing.

Kimski

I love crossovers. This looked amazing. Sucks it was disqualified for being a sausage sandwich. We live in a fake news world and I’m a fake news girl.

The Duck Inn

This looks even better. Big supporter of purees and INJECTIONS. I’m all about turning it up to 11. You want the Everyday Dog or the Humble Dog? Or do you want the dog that might be banned.

The Wieners Circle

YouTube commenters love the lady at 5:38. My goal in life is to get that woman’s heart to melt. The real dog keeps it real and that’s refreshing. I’d much prefer a through tongue-lashing before I ordering my hot dogs, so I overdo the ordering and reeeeeeally punish myself.

Gene & Jude’s

Love the fat guy givin’ a titty flash. That will never get old. “The simple dog” is not putting butts in the seats, though.

Superdawg Drive-In

When my dude said “Brine”, I was sold. Pickled anything has to be boss. Also, I can’t resist heftiness. Cue the jokes about the girls I’ve hooked up with.

Redhot Ranch

Would you eat something called, “The Depression Sandwich”? For me, the answer is an emphatic yes. Any food that can make you hate yourself and feel worse about life is a must-try in my book.

Devil Dawgs

Not on board with The Sugar Dog and food dyes. How do you have “devil” in the name of the restaurant and not spice the bejesus out of your dawgs, dawg?

The Bakery at Fat Rice

A flower. They done shaped a hot dog into a flower. Gimme gimmicks all damn day.

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Then, we got Robert Pattinson trying to be normal by eating a New York City hot dog? Mmkay.

Also, Teen Vogue produced a video called, “Are These Hot Dogs or Legs?”, which was a thing four years ago, yet still has enough steam to warrant publicity. I’m shocked people in our daily morning meeting didn’t know about this. Ever heard of Tumblr? No? Oh. Okay. Yeah, they’re probably going out of business.