I’m Throwing the Challenge Flag on West Virginia Being One of the Least Drunk States in America

West Virginia is one of the states that drinks the least in America according to this infographic.

via This Map Of The Drunkest States In America Has Some Surprising Results

“We analyzed data from annual alcohol surveys and reports to see who is drinking the most, and where.

The East Coast is home to three of the top five hardest-drinking states, although no region stands alone. The 30 states consuming more than 2.31 gallons of alcohol per year are pretty geographically diverse, stretching from Maine to Texas to California to Hawaii.

Utah residents consume the least alcohol, perhaps unsurprisingly, given the state’s robust drinking laws (although there are creative distillers making their mark in the state’s capital).”

Infographic showing how much alcohol each state in the USA drinks.

I don’t know who’s conducting these surveys but they definitely didn’t ask any true blue, red-blooded West Virginians. My guess is they bumped into a hoard of Mormons relocating from Utah to ask their precious questions about knocking back booze. Why? Because unless my whole life is a lie, West Virginians get after it big time, no?

I have no real basis to state this. All I know is West Virginia University is known for burning couches, a definitively non-sober pasttime, and former Colts punter Pat McAfee – an esteemed Stone Colder of beers – went to WVU and whenever Mountaineer Country comes up, he raves about their proclivity for intoxication.

Let’s not forget the #1 song to sing when drunk in a group is hands down ‘Country Roads’.

or when you’re about to sacrifice yourself for the greater good (spoiler alert)…

Do I know anyone from West Virginia? My saint of an aunt. I went to her wedding there in 1997 when Randy Moss and Chad Pennington were tearing up dopes at Marshall. My aunt is extremely polite. Very upbeat. Personable. Just an absolute gem.

She has a slightly southern drawl, which is a real delight when she’s talking about her grandma’s secret recipes. I feel like I’m in a Betty Crocker commercial when she speaks. It’s even more delightful when she talks about partying. She never ever gets into the nitty gritty details but the way she winks and nods and elbows me makes me think shit got gonzo in her home state.

And then there’s this popular stereotype:

“The toothbrush must have been invented in West Virginia because if it were invented anywhere else, it’d be a teethbrush.”

People lose their teeth for a number of reasons. Improper hygiene or total lack thereof. Meth. Insulting one’s mullet.

Alcohol, however, can be used as a disinfectant. I look forward to the day when I get shot or stabbed and someone has to pour whiskey in my wound. But you drink all day e’ery day and things start to fall by the wayside. Dental upkeep being one of those things.

Another popular West Virginia stereotype: inbreeding. Straight-edge people just don’t go around banging their brethren and kin. When you’re hard up and in a slump and the only social interactions you have are family reunions and large Sunday family dinners, your mind is more susceptible to poison.

Okay so maybe I’m exaggerating and I’m way off. Maybe West Virginia doesn’t mash corn whiskey. But I refuse to sit here and believe the drink the second LEAST in all of America. That’s outrageous. It’s why I’m 1000% certain the surveyors got shot down literally when approached for questioning. Add in numerous run-ins with law enforcement and it’s understandable that West Virginia wants no part of no inquiries.

Some other takeaways:

New York not being in the top tier made me double take. NYC and the Hamptons alone should be able to drive this number into the higher echelon. I mean “New York’s hottest club is…”

How about Delaware sneaking into the top 5? Can’t say I’m shocked. What’s there to do there?

I had a hunch New Hampshire would flex their beer muscles but hot damn. It’s the only state in the 4’s and is almost a FULL POINT above the next highest, which is D.C. Least surprising rank of all-time. How else can politicians live with themselves?

Side note: I once dated a woman from New Hampshire. She was tiny yet she went toe-to-toe with me when bending elbows. She also was dead serious about believing in ghosts. Must’ve been all the spirits. You’re welcome.

I love that Nevada is #4 for most drinks and Utah is #1 for least drinks. Like a boozier bigger scale version of Hatfields and McCoys. Sin vs. Religion. “Good” vs. “Evil”. How there hasn’t been a billion civil wars between those two is impressivo.

Nevada and Utah are such polar opposites that they don’t even bother with each other. Kinda falls in line with the whole ‘thin line between love and hate’ philosophy. MTV’s next Real World should be one lavish mansion of Nevadans next door to a modest ranch of Utes. It’ll be like an adaptation of Neighbors.

As for me, I’ve severely cut back my drinking since the wife got preggo and we had the baby. I plan to make up for it at my high school reunion in a couple weeks. I’m going to make everything right. Erase allll my regrets. The dark timeline will get retro-conned.